(This entire section is abbreviated from my book God, Love, Sex, and Family.)
FAMILY - PART 1
OUR PARENTS
The Bible and its commentators carefully defined the relationship between parents and child. The Bible speaks in terms of duties rather than love. If love is to develop, it flows out of these reciprocal duties. The duty of a child, as taught explicitly in the Ten Commandments, is to honor his or her parents.
The fifth of the Ten Commandments teaches, "Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land which the LORD your God has given you." (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16) The commandment is sandwiched between the fourth, observing the Sabbath, and the sixth, forbidding murder. The first four commandments speak of the relationship between us and God; the last five speak of our relationship to our fellow human beings. The fifth commandment serves as a transition between our duties to God and to our fellow human beings.
The rabbis understood that there is a natural progression from honoring God to honoring our parents to honoring our fellow. They wrote that when a man honors his father and mother, it is considered as though he is honoring God. After all, God was a partner with our parents in our creation. On the other hand, to insult ones parents is to insult God.
There is another commandment that expresses the respect due to parents in different words. "You shall each fear his mother and father, and keep my Sabbaths: I am the LORD." (Leviticus 19:3) The Hebrew means "fear," although a better translation is "revere"; we must revere and stand in awe of our mother and father. The rabbis noted that here the mother is mentioned first, while in terms of honor the father is mentioned first. The reason is because a person has a natural tendency to honor their mother (who cared for them) and fear their father ("wait until daddy gets home!") So the Torah goes out of its way to teach that fear and honor apply equally to both parents. Honoring parents is a totally egalitarian commandment.
What is the essence of the commandment - what precisely is our duty to our parents? The rabbis, using masculine language, taught that `fear' means that the son is not to stand in his father's place, nor to sit in his place; not to contradict him, nor to tip the scales in an argument against him. `Honor' means that the son must supply his father with food and drink, provide him with clothes and footwear, and assist his coming in and going out of the house."
Although taught from a male perspective, this profound teaching holds for sons and daughters, for mothers and fathers. Fear or revere means to avoid any action which undermines the dignity, authority, and standing of the parent. One may not even sit in a father's chair or publicly contradict one's mother. I often remind my children not to sit in my chair nor that of my wife at the dining room table. This small act of respect serves as a reminder of our role as their parents.
The Talmud speaks of Dama ben Netinah, a non-Jew who was particularly well known for his scrupulous care in honoring his parents. One story shows how far one goes in not attacking his mother's dignity. Once, while Dama ben Netinah was seated among the notables of Rome, wearing a silk garment embroidered with gold, his mother came, ripped it off him, struck him on the head, and spat in his face. Yet in no way would he put her to shame.
Honor, on the other hand, means actually taking care of one's parents’ physical needs - food, drink, clothing, shelter, medical care, an escort in and out. There is another beautiful story about Dama ben Netinah and his father.
Once, the sages sought some precious stones from him for the ephod [the High Priests clothing] which would make him a profit of sixty myriads [of gold denars]. But the key to where the stones were kept was under his [sleeping] father's pillow, and Dama would not disturb him. The following year, however, the Holy One gave him his reward. A red heifer (very valuable because of its use in the temple ritual) was born to him in his herd. When the sages of Israel visited him to buy it, he said to them, `I know about you. Even if I were to ask all the money in the world, you would pay me. But all I ask of you is the amount I lost because I honored my father. (Kiddushin 31a) Here was a man willing to give up a major business deal rather than awaken his sleeping father. Later, he would not try to profit from his good fortune, but only make up his losses from keeping the commandment of honoring his father.
Therefore, we see two aspects of the commandment to respect one's parents, one positive and one negative. There is the positive requirement to provide for one's parents physical needs. And there is the negative prohibition never to detract from the dignity and standing of a parent.
FAMILY - PART 2
OUR SIBLINGS
One of my favorite tales is the ancient Jewish legend of two brothers. Together, they shared a farm on a hill near Jerusalem. One was married and the father of many children; the other was a bachelor living alone. They were close, and whatever they harvested they split fifty - fifty.
One evening the bachelor brother thought to himself, "it's not fair. My brother has so many mouths to feed, I live alone. Let me help him out." In the middle of the night he brought several wheelbarrows of his food to his brother's storehouse. That same evening, the married brother thought to himself, "it's not fair. I have children to help support me in my old age. My poor brother has nobody. Let me help him out." In the middle of the night he brought several wheelbarrows of his food to his brother's storehouse.
So it went for several weeks, each brother would bring food to the other's storehouse. Neither could figure out why the food in the own storehouse was not diminished. Finally one night, the two brothers ran into each other, each giving food to the other. They let go of the wheelbarrows and embraced. According to the legend, God built His holy Temple on that very spot, to honor two brothers who truly loved one another.
It is about brothers like this that the Bible teaches: "Here is what is good and what is pleasant, for brothers to dwell together." (Psalms 133:1) That is the dream. We use the word "brotherhood" to refer to a world where all humanity gets along and lives in peace. Feminists use the word "sisterhood" for the special link between women sharing the experience of being female. "Brotherhood" and "sisterhood", words that grow out of our sibling relationships, have grown to mean the ideal in human connectiveness. There is a special love between brothers and sisters, symbolizing the highest level of care and devotion. It is about such a love that Song of Songs says, "If only you could be as with a brother, As if you had nursed at my mother's breast." (Song of Songs 8:1)
Our relationship with our siblings is usually the longest we experience in life. Most of us outlive our parents, and do not meet our spouse until adulthood. But the link between siblings begins in early childhood and, if we are lucky, continues into old age. Sharing parents, growing up in the same household, competing and caring for one another, forges a powerful life-long bond.
We can turn to the Bible, and its rabbinic commentaries, the Midrash, for some profound insights into brother-sister relationships. Sibling rivalry began at the dawn of creation with Cain and Abel, the first brothers in history. They set the tone for much the rest of human history. There was jealousy, God accepted Abel's offering but not Cain's, a fight broke out, the two brothers were alone in the field, Cain rose up and slew his brother Abel. (See Genesis 4:1-8) God turned to Cain with the powerful question, "Where is your brother Abel?" God, of course, knew the answer; he was testing Cain. And Cain answered with the most famous rhetorical question in history: "Am I my brother's keeper?!" (Genesis 4:9)
The answer is, we are our brother’s keeper. What do siblings owe each other? Are there obligations that adult siblings have towards one another, or is each free to go his or her own way? Are we our brother's keeper?
I found much wisdom in a passage from the book of Proverbs: "A friend is devoted at all times, but a brother is born for adversity." (Proverbs 17:17) At first reading the passage is jarring, indicating that friends are better than brothers and that brothers cause trouble. Nonetheless, the passage offers a worthy insight to the obligation between siblings.
With the help of the Ralbag, one of the classical Biblical commentators, we can understand what the passage really means. A friend is there for good times. He or she may go out socially with us, party with us; we may enjoy each other's company. But when difficult times hit, a person turns to his or her brother or sister. Because they are flesh and bone, they have a mutual obligation to one another.
Siblings may be dissimilar, with different interests, different friends, even different life styles. Siblings may not necessarily enjoy each other's company socially or be good friends. Rivalries leading back to childhood may separate them. But when one sibling is in trouble, the other is there to help them. I often have individuals come to see me for financial help who are down on their luck. One of the first questions I ask is, "Do you have any brothers or sisters who are in a position to help you?" If they have not approached their siblings, I strongly encourage them to do so. It is not simply charity; it is a family obligation.
FAMILY - PART 3
OUR SPOUSE
In the fairy tales, the couple always live happily ever after. In real life, according to a widely accepted statistic, one in two marriages end in divorce. Almost all couples share their wedding vows deeply in love, with a vision of a life of happiness together. Far too often, something goes profoundly wrong.
Some scholars have tried to excuse this sad failure rate by portraying divorce as natural, almost inevitable. They claim that nature did not mean human beings to be monogamous for a lifetime. A more natural pattern is a kind of serial monogamy; one spouse when we are young, another one or two to raise our children, and perhaps a different spouse as a companion for old age. These scholars claim that our legal system, our social attitudes, and our religion ought to reflect this biological reality. Thus, anthropologist Margaret Mead once said, "The first relationship is for sex; the second is for children; the third is for companionship."
Our shared religious values reject this claim. They recognize divorce and remarriage as a sad reality in certain situations, but not as inevitable. The ideal is still a marriage that lasts a lifetime. The prophet Malachi has taught, "You cover the alter of God with tears, weeping and moaning ... Because the Lord is witness between you and the wife of your youth with whom you have broken faith, though she is your partner and covenanted spouse." (Malachi 2:13-14)
Not all the news is bad. If one of two marriages end in divorce, then one in two lasts for a lifetime. And some couples are lucky the second time around, going from bad marriages to successful marriages. There is much that couples can do to create such a lifelong marriage. It begins with picking the correct spouse to begin with. It continues with proper premarital counseling or classes. There must be a belief in marriage as not just a life-style option, but the ideal way to live. Ultimately, success in marriage comes down to how we treat the most important person in our life - our lover and best friend, our spouse.
The Torah, although picturing a monogamous, lifelong marriage as the ideal, has little to say about how to create such a marriage. The only listing of the husband's obligations towards his wife involves her physical needs - "her food, clothing, or conjugal rights he shall not diminish." (Exodus 21:10) There is also the law that during the first year of marriage a man shall make his wife happy (Deuteronomy 24:5), perhaps reflecting the reality that in the first year marriages are most vulnerable. There is not one word about a wife's obligation to her husband.
Nowhere in the Torah is there a commandment to love our spouse, just as there is no commandment to love our parents, our siblings, or our children. Isaac and Rebekah married one another without love (the Torah explicitly says the love came later), yet they had a strong, viable marriage. Jacob deeply loved his second wife Rachel, yet after a lifetime with his first (unloved) wife Leah, he chose to be buried next to her (Genesis 49:31). The Torah never commanded us to love our spouse, perhaps because it realized that love alone does not make a good marriage. I have had more than one couple tell me on the way to divorce court, "Rabbi, we love each other, we just can't live together."
There is great insight in a rabbinic passage about a man's obligation to his wife:
"Of a man who loves his wife as himself, honors her more than himself, guides his sons and daughters in the right Path, and arranges for them to be married after they reach puberty, scripture says, `And you shall know that your tent shall be at peace.' (Job 5:24)." (Yebamot 63b)
As couples change and grow over the years, they need to constantly imbue their relationship with new energy. It is the ultimate anti-entropic act. Couples who believe in lifelong marriage will work hard to prevent their marriage from running down.
By doing so, they are similar to God who created a world an infused it with energy. God's creation is the ultimate anti-entropic act. If God did not continually renew creation, the world would have worn down long ago. Religious Jews in their daily prayers thank God for continuing his acts of creation each and every day, keeping the energy in the universe from running out.
So too, a man and a woman needs to imitate God in renewing the creation which is their own marriage. They need to learn to change together, and to celebrate that which is unchangeable. They need to see marriage not as a temporary living arrangement but as a journey to forever. In doing so, they can fulfill the words of Hosea:
"I will betroth you forever.
I will betroth you with righteousness and justice,
And with goodness and mercy.
I will betroth you in faithfulness
And you shall be devoted to the Lord."
FAMILY - PART 4
OUR CHILDREN
Nowhere does the Torah command us to love our children, just as it never commands us to love our parents, our siblings, or our spouse. The only commandment is to teach our children. As the book of Proverbs taught long ago, "teach a son the way he should go, even in old age he shall not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) In fact, much of the book of Proverbs is a charge to parents to teach and discipline their children. For example:
"My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your mind retain my commandment;
For they will bestow on you length of days,
Years of life and well-being.
Let fidelity and steadfastness not leave you;
Bind them about your throat,
Write them on the table of your mind,
And you will find favor and approbation
In the eyes of God and man. (Proverbs 3:1-4)
In the Torah, Abraham was rewarded with a covenant from God because "he will instruct his children and his posterity to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is just and right." (Genesis 18:19) When the Torah declares the central commandment to love the Lord God with all our heart, soul, and might, the next verse says, "you shall teach them diligently to your children." (Deuteronomy 6:7) Teaching children the right way, not allowing children to decide for themselves, is the essential Biblical message of parenting.
I have often taught my congregation that the Hebrew language itself contains brilliant insights into the values by which we ought to live. Every Hebrew verb is built around a three letter root. The root for "to teach" is hrh. From this root comes three essential Hebrew words. One is Torah, the vast corpus of literature and law on how we are to live our lives. The word Torah means teachings; it is a word at the core of Jewish self-understanding. The second word is moreh, (female morah), which means teacher.
The third Hebrew word is horim - parents. The word demonstrates that the most essential job a parent must do is teach values to his or her child. If a parent provides for a child, loves that child, gives that child self esteem, pays for lessons and special activities (all wonderful things), but does not teach values to that child, that parent has neglected a fundamental duty.
Our children do not belong to us; we are not their owners. When Eve gave birth to her first son Cain, she said "I have acquired a man from God." Perhaps Eve's mistake in raising Cain that caused him to go bad was thinking she owned him. Children are precious trusts given over to us on a temporary basis. They are like jewels in our possession, temporarily in our custody until returned to their rightful owner. Our job is to properly care for them and guide them, then let them go.
This idea was expressed most poetically by the Lebanese poet and philosopher Khalil Gibran:
"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, `Speak to us of children.'
"And he said, `Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you, And though they are with you they belong not to you.'
"`You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.'
"`You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.'"
Let us turn to an off-quoted Hasidic story. A man went to a rabbi frustrated with his son's difficult and uncooperative behavior. The rabbi answered, "love him more." We may not always agree with our children, we ought to never stop loving them.
Although we love our children, we cannot allow ourselves to live vicariously through our children. They are their own beings, and as Eve learned about her son Cain, we do not own them. Children are destined to follow their own path. Parents whose only source of purpose or self-esteem is their children are bound to live a life of frustration and disappointment.
We love our children even if we do not receive love in return. The rabbis expressed a truism when they taught, "the love of the parent is towards the child, the love of the child is towards his child." (Sota 49a)